Murphy's Law

If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy's Corollary

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Second Corollary

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious

Murphy's Constant

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law

Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary

Murphy was an optimist.

Cannon's Comment

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Moer's truism

The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.

Manly's Maxim

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Ralph's Observation

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.
Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.

Hoover's Affirmation

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

Murphy's Military Laws (part II)

1. Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare. - Heinz Guderian
2. The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.
3. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
4. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. - George Patton
5. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
6. Tracer works both ways.
7. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
8. War is like love. To triumph, you must make contact. - Attributed to Napoleon
9. Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank. - Karl von Clausewitz
10. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
11. Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate. The trick of a good commander is to isolate the 5%. - Douglas MacArthur
12. Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.
13. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
14. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
15. No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside that of the enemy. - Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
16. Only numbers can annihilate. - Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson
17. Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.
18. Always know how to get out of Dodge.
19. Your equipment was made by the lowest bidder.
20. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
21. Always honour a threat.
22. The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
23. Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant. - Charles Edward Montague 
24. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
25. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
26. A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost. - Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)
27. Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander. - Jerry Pournelle
28. All warfare is based on deception. - Sun Tzu (The Art of War)
29. A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. - Otto von Bismark
30. No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection ready squad ever passed combat.
31. Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.
32. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
33. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
34. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.
35. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
36. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.
37. When in doubt empty the magazine.
38. Snow is not neutral. - Frunze Military Academy Maxim

Murphy's Military Laws

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy. - Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke
3. Friendly fire isn't.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. - Winston Churchill
16. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
17. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
18. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
19. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets:
    -printed at different scales;
    -uphill;
    -and in the rain.

Mencken's seventh law

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.

Mencken's Arcana Ecclesiastica

Archbishop: A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that obtained by Christ.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Mencken's sixth law

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

Mencken's fifth law

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.

Mencken's fourth law

Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.

Rosenfield's Regret

The most delicate component will be dropped.

Sueker's Note

If you need "n" items of anything, you will have "n - 1" in stock.

Klipstein's Observation

Any product cut to length will be too short.

Klipstein's Lament

All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules

Everything costs more and takes longer.

The American Way

It's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.

Langin's Law

If things were left to chance, they'd be better.

Jones' Principle

Needs are a function of what other people have.

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics

1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics

If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.

Comins' Law

People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Cohen's Law

What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.

Bicycle Law

All bicycles weigh 25 kilograms:

• A 15 kilogram bicycle needs a 10 kilogram lock.
• A 20 kilogram bicycle needs a 5 kilogram lock.
• A 25 kilogram bicycle doesn't need a lock.

Berra's Law

You can observe a lot just by watching.

Avery's Observation

It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

Parker's Conclusion

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

Allen's Axiom

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Allen's Law

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Galbraith's Law of Political Prediction

Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Gallois' Revelation

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Woltman's Law

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Shirley's Maxim

Forgive and remember.

Shirley's Law

Most people deserve each other.

Law of Reruns

If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Gold's Law

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Hanlon's Razor

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Merkin's Maxim

When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

Horngren's Observation: (generalised)

The real world is a special case.

Twain's Observation

Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made.

Turnauckas's Observation

To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer.

Young's Handy Guide to the Modern Sciences

• If it is green or it wiggles -- it is Biology. 
• If it stinks -- it is Chemistry. 
• If it doesn't work -- it is Physics.

First law of laboratory work

Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

MacDonald's second law

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.

Stewart's law of retroaction

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Conway's law

In every organisation there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Harrison's postulate

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Perkin's postulate

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Witten's law

Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.

The innaplicable law

Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

First isomorphism postulate

Things that aren't equal to anything, are equal among themselves.

Clarke's third law

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Mencken's third law

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Mencken's second law

When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogatives.

Gerrold's Fundamental Truth

It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.

Murphy's Law of design flaws

Design flaws travel in groups.

de la Lastra's Law

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Corollary:

After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.

Lyall's Fundamental Observation

The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

Lyall's Conjecture

If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Unicorn's Law

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Peer's Law

The Solution To The Problem Only Changes The Problem.

Thoreau's Law

If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

Sevareid’s Law

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Mencken's Law

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

Murphy's Law

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.